Brad and Angelina's Wedding

Who cares??

     Am I the only person in the world who could care less that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are getting married? That love boat has long since sailed. Not to mention, this wedding is completely backward.  They should have walked down that aisle six babies ago.  What were they waiting for?  They’re in love. They have several large homes, in Italy, Los Angeles and New Orleans.  They’re financially stable – shoot, they could buy an entire country, if they wanted.  And, let’s talk about the elephant in the room – THEY HAVE SIX CHILDREN TOGETHER! Isn’t that reason enough to have tied that knot many lullabies and diaper changes ago?

     OK, let’s give them the benefit of the doubt.  I once heard men don’t want to commit to marriage in order to keep their options open should a supermodel ever come along.  Brad, you brush your teeth next to one of the most beautiful women in the world.  Or at least she was about 100 extra pounds ago.  Angelina, you live with Brad Pitt.  Enough said.   You share a home, parenting responsibilities, financial assets, religious and political convictions, and, I assume, your hearts.  What more could you want in a spouse?

     What really bothers me about this “storybook wedding” is the way their relationship started to begin with.  Have we forgotten that Brad was married to Jennifer Aniston when Angelina barged into their marriage and took him hostage? I remember reading that she would call the Pitts’ house relentlessly until Brad got on the phone. She literally stole Brad right out from under Jennifer, and we’re supposed to be excited about this “wedding of the year” because People Magazine says so?

     No thanks.  To celebrate with the rest of the world over this publicity-stunt-of-a-wedding would only be sending a message to my daughters that it’s perfectly acceptable to cheat on your spouse, break up a marriage, have six illegitimate children together and then live for years under their watchful eyes without a marriage contract between you.

     Nope.  I’m not feeling the love.  Sorry.

Half-Baked Parents

I own a cupcake shop now. Been in business almost a year. It absorbs nearly all of my time, which is a familiar chant from small-business owners. And it is the reason why I have abandoned this blog for so long. Sorry, folks. I just don't have time to bitch about anything anymore.

I know many of you couldn't be happier!

But lo and behold, I discovered yesterday that I still have a lot of bitchin' in me. We have a promotion going at the shop, whereby we are offering cupcake-decorating classes for both kids and adults. So yesterday, we have our first class. Several children walk in -- with their parents. They look about 6 or 7 years old. An older woman in her late 50s then joins us. And at the last minute, a little girl runs in who is about 5. She is all by herself. Surely, I assumed, her mom or dad can't be too far behind. I waited. And waited. But no one else came through the door.

So I asked "Riley" where her mommy was. She said that her dad just dropped her off and left. Left?? Well, when would he be coming back, I asked. Riley replied, "He said in an hour."

What the "F?" And by "F" I mean "Father."

What kind of half-baked parent drops off his adorable 5-year-old daughter at an unfamiliar place with total strangers and just leaves? Doesn't even bother to come in to introduce himself, or at the very least, ask me if it would be all right if Riley stayed here without him? Of course, I would have said, "No!" After all, I am running a gourmet cupcake shop, not a daycare center.

I asked Riley if her daddy dropped her off at places a lot. She said that he did. At gymnastics and Toys 'R Us.

I was ASTOUNDED!

Doesn't this "father" ever watch the news? Doesn't he know that children are getting abducted and murdered, the Casey Anthony case aside, in what seems like a peak hunting season for sexual predators?

I had half a mind to call the police. For Riley's sake. I mean, yeah, there would be some drama as the police questioned her dad. But I couldn't shake the thought that maybe I would be saving Riley's life down the road since abandoning her seems to be a habit of his.

But I didn't call the police. For Riley's sake. I thought it best to talk to him when -- and IF -- he picked her up. So the class ends, guests leave, and 25 minutes later Riley is STILL waiting for her ride. (Notice how I didn't say "father." Just "ride.")

The door opens and in walks her mom. Where is dad? Now the plot thickens. So Riley's mom and dad actually made arrangements with each other: Dad would drop her off and mom would pick her up. A conspiracy of stupidity.

Remember . . . she is only 5 years old!

I gave mom a piece of my mind and, hopefully, made her think twice about being a more vigilant parent.

Still, I wonder . . . should I have called the police? Was it my obligation to protect Riley from her negligent parents?

What would you have done??

Condoms For Kids? Brilliant!

Beth Singer, you should be so proud of yourself! As the superintendent of schools for Provincetown, Massachusetts, you are probably under tremendous pressure by all the liberals in the educational and political systems to start teaching our children the ways of the Left as early in their sweet lives as possible. I’m sure that the schoolchildren are getting pretty tired of singing that Obama anthem every morning. “…We can change the world … yes we can, can CAN!” Catchy little tune, it is. But even Lady Gaga gets a little old and tired when you’ve heard “Poker Face” for the zillionth time.

So before you lose the children’s rapt, hypnotic attention – and the faith and confidence from the state of Massachusetts -- you’ve come up with a BRILLIANT idea! A radical change we can all believe in:

“LET’S GIVE SCHOOLCHILDREN CONDOMS!”
After all, we know how sexually active those first-graders can be, the little bunnies -- especially on the first day of school. All that nervous, excited energy can now be used constructively. Instead of chaos on the playground, girls and boys can now be encouraged to play more “cooperatively” with a little one-on-one time.

In fact, may I suggest that we get rid of all the playground equipment and replace those playful pieces with cozy chaise lounges and water-bed-like bouncy houses. You may want to keep the swings, however, for the more advanced condom-users – wink, wink!

I also suggest you put a contingency plan in place to handle all the demand. We wouldn’t want our little sweeties to have to stand too long in line waiting for their free condoms, especially when those wild sexual urges kick in. You know how horny second-graders can be!

Beth, I’m not sure you realize how brilliant you really are, because your one, single ruling to give children as young as 6 years old condoms, if they ask for it, has inadvertently opened up new channels of commerce.

The biggest winner in all this will be Disney, AS USUAL. With schoolchildren now having sex, Disney can return to their magical post-production suites and re-make all their movie classics in pornographic versions. No longer will they have to “slip in” those sly little sexual references any more to pique the interests of adults. Now they can just get right to the point. Instead of Cinderella singing, “I could have danced all night,” she can sing, “I could have screwed all night." The horny little skunks in “Bambi” don’t have to talk about “twitterpating” anymore. They can just come right out and say, “Man, I feel like having sex!” Think of all the money Disney stands to make on the re-releases!

What’s more, Toys R Us can now have a “Children’s Adult Entertainment” aisle, where you can pick up all the latest sex toys and contraptions to enhance all that puppy love. I am SO excited that I will have more choices to make when it comes to buying the standard, boring birthday gift. And all the moms who are planning the birthday parties will be THRILLED to know that they can save a little money by purchasing a Party Pack of colorful condoms to stuff in the goody bags. Won’t they look ADORABLE in there, surrounded by plastic necklaces, whistles and Gummy Worms?

Furthermore, your idea is probably going to help this crippled economy tremendously by reducing the unemployment rates. Because schools will be required to hand out condoms to everyone and anyone, no matter what the age, and without parental consent, they will have no other choice but to hire an army of school nurses to handle the spike in the number of STD cases.

Beth Singer, like I said . . . you are BRILLIANT! I am 100% certain that you aren’t a parent, and couldn’t possibly understand the endless joy we parents get from raising our sweet little children, and instilling in them good values and moral integrity. So to reward you, instead, I suggest that the school board give you a BIG promotion for creating all this change that we can believe in.

Maybe you could even run for President!

Dan Wozniak Fooled Us All

In 2005, my two daughters were bitten by the acting bug and auditioned for the cast of “The Music Man,” produced by Orange County Children’s Theater (OCCT). The lead role, the actual Music Man himself, was played by Dan Wozniak. The now-infamous Dan Wozniak. You know . . . the freak from Costa Mesa who just murdered two people in Orange County, California, severing the head and limbs of his first victim without nary a nudge from his conscience, and then shot an innocent woman to cover up his first crime, making it appear as though his first victim killed his second one?

Today, I am angry that I was fooled. Pissed, in fact. I’ve always prided myself on being such a good judge of character, a learned skill that has steered me clear of several potentially bad relationships. (Unless you count that tiny little slip-up a few years back when my best friend of six years stole my job. I probably should have filed for Worker’s Comp from the knife wound in my back, come to think of it.)

Dan was a great local actor. A rising community theater star, who we have since learned, had staged his entire life. Little did anyone know how eerily good of an actor he really was. The perpetually happy guy with the aw-shucks personality and gentle disposition, the guy who everyone loved and admired – including both my daughters -- was not the gentle soul he pretended to be. Underneath all that fake niceness was a serial killer. It’s shocking. I mean, who would have known?

Certainly not Brittany, who is undoubtedly counting her lucky stars today. I forgot Brittany's last name, but she was a longtime member of OCCT who starred alongside Dan in a number of shows. Dan and Brittany became an item. Kind of romantic, when you think about it. But what made that pairing so odd that summer-- and a little scandalous, as I recall -- was that Brittany was only 16 years old to Dan's 20 years. I believe they got engaged or were talking about getting engaged. I don't remember. But I do recall some parents thinking, "Isn't that statutory rape?" When I first heard about the heinous murders committed by Dan, my thoughts went immediately to Brittany, whose heart was broken, in the end, by this creep, who was rumored to have cheated on her. But better a broken heart, Brittany, than a severed head, don't you think? If you never got over Dan, Brittney, now would be a good time.

I read somewhere that Dan had told a close confidant, “I always knew I would kill someone someday. I just didn’t know who or when.”

It makes me wonder . . . was Dan harboring those psychopathic thoughts when he was sharing the stage with all those kids from Orange County Children’s Theater those many years? What was he thinking when he put his arms around my two daughters and posed for one picture after the next? As a parent, the idea that I let a psychopathic killer get that close to my children and win my trust gives me the creeps!

Even more disturbing . . . why was a man in his 20s still involved in children's theater??

Dan was ALWAYS smiling and joking around, and I remember walking up to him in the green room once, giving him a hug, and telling him what a nice guy he was and how much I admired his talent and positive energy. About three years later, I ran into Dan at the Verizon store on Beach Blvd. where he had recently become employed. I gave him a hug that I now wish I could take back, and with that animated smile he was so loved for, he told me that he was doing great and dabbling in a little local theater. That was the last time I ever saw cheery ol’ Dan Wozniak.

The last OCCT play my daughters were in was “Once Upon A Mattress,” directed by, who else, but Dan “the ax man” Wozniac. Dan did a brilliant job of directing, and the play got rave reviews. (Well, I don’t really remember if that was true. But I loved it, anyway.) A directorial star was born that opening night, and I had this feeling we’d be hearing a lot more from Dan in the future.

I was right. I just didn’t expect the news to be so grisly . . . and SO disappointing.

Spewing Anger Over The Oil Spill

This morning, I saw some DISGUSTING video on Fox News. It was a live shot of the oil that is hemorrhaging from the leaky oil well in the Gulf of Mexico. It is beyond my comprehension that so much of that oily, smelly, noxious, chokingly thick petroleum has been gushing into our beautiful ocean for nearly two months now. How can anyone responsible for this disaster lay their head down on a pillow at night and sleep soundly for 6-8 hours while hundreds of thousands more gallons of killer goo pollute our oceans overnight?

My heart ACHES for all the sea life that has suffocated in that blanket of black death. Last I heard, they were sucking oil out of the lungs of sea turtles.

I love animals and have reverence for the life that is breathed into them, but I have always kept a respectful distance between me and whatever swims out there in the ocean. However, this oil spill has touched a very primal part of my soul, one that wants to take action and hop on the next plane and run down to the scene of the crime to help save these poor sea creatures. Similar to how I would make a mad dash outside brandishing a box of Band-Aids whenever my kids fell off their bikes . . . but on a more global level.

Even the sharks I have pity for, because they never saw this coming. You should at least give your enemies some fair warning before you attack. Remember Pearl Harbor?

I can understand the nature of this accident. But I’m mad as HELL that the problem hasn’t been fixed by now. Every hour that goes by that the oil continues to spew into the ocean, more sea life dies. More turtles choke to death. More dead dolphins wash ashore. More birds from the coastal preserves can’t fly because their wings are encased in petroleum.

This oil spill is their Armageddon, and we at the top of the food chain, the higher intelligence of all species, the ones in charge who have been given the charge to take care of these delicate and sacred creatures and preserve the life around them, WE have failed them miserably.

I am ashamed to be human.

My Favorite Mother's Day Video

Twitter Travel Party TONIGHT!

There's nothing really worth watching on TV tonight. No need to look. I already did. But your Monday evening doesn't have to be a total bust. If you're like me, you have your mind on summer vacation and are wondering where the heck you're going to take the family this year, right?

You'll find some GREAT ideas from other moms at TravelingMom.com's FIRST-EVER Twitter party! We'll be chatting for an hour about everyone's favorite topic - TRAVEL! Specifically, we'll cover fun themes like "How To Get Great Travel Deals" and "Relaxing on Vacation," plus doing TONS of fun giveaways!

Please, join us from 9:30-10:30 EASTERN STANDARD TIME . . . TONIGHT . . . to pick up some awesome travel tips and ideas for your family's summer vacation.

Here's the link: http://tinyurl.com/ye97azc